#facingtheissues, Meg Fitzgibbions & Jenna Hearndon
Jenna is a 26 year-old caregiver to her 27 year-old active duty husband, Josh, who has grade II gliomatosis cerebri. This term rolls right off of Jenna’s tongue, as she’s been asked countless times about her husband’s diagnosis. In simpler terms, Josh has a cancerous tumor in his brain. Jenna started a blog shortly after Josh’s diagnosis, sharing “I have created this blog mainly to keep everyone updated on what is going on, but also as a therapy for myself. I am in a constant state of needing to express my thoughts and feelings.” Included below is a glimpse into the life Jenna and Josh are adjusting to together and Jenna’s points of view and realizations, as her husband’s caregiver.
“There is no guideline or instruction manual on how you are supposed to deal with this all.”
The therapist explained to me that I am going through the stages of grief. I am grieving the old life I had. I am grieving the life we had planned to have. I am grieving the pregnancy that we were supposed to be experiencing right now. In a matter of an hour she had put my entire life in perspective. I want it to be known that I, in no way shape or form, blame Josh. This disease is something that literally came out of nowhere and knocked us both on our asses. There is no guideline or instruction manual on how you are supposed to deal with this all. Each person grieves in their own way. For me, it’s bottling it all up until I completely crack.
For Josh, it’s humor. He makes light of situations and tries his hardest to be strong for the both of us. I know a lot of people constantly say, “oh you’re handling this so well” or “man, you guys are always so positive” but if they all knew the number of times during the day I break down and cry they would all be surprised. I’m not here for a pity party, I am just here to show that we are in fact human. I am merely indulging you all on a part of my life that I keep very personal. I sat on the fence for a while on reasoning how much is too much to share. I have come to the conclusion that I’ve already shared a lot. Everyone has read our process with freezing the sperm and fertility so that’s enough TMI already. Am I going to share every down moment in my life? No. Am I going to mention every time Josh and I have a fight? No. But I do think it needs to be known that we’re not living this Leave it to Beaver lifestyle. We fight. We argue. We cry. We laugh. We make up. And we go on with our lives.
This has by far been the most trying thing on not only us but our marriage as well. I take every day with great appreciation, for it is one more day that I have with my husband. I fight with him. I yell at him. I regret doing so more often than I used to, but I am only human. I try hard, really hard in fact to make sure his life is as easy as possible. That he doesn’t have to worry about the medications or the appointments. Yes, we spend a lot of time at the movie theater and yes, we have seen pretty much every movie currently out right now. But honestly, please, tell me where else can I take a cancer patient?! He enjoys them. I get a break for a few hours. It’s a win-win. So to all, let me remind you, there is no manual. There are no guidelines. We are literally flying by the seat of our pants and just praying we are doing it right. Do we mess up? Yes. I often worry about that, but we’re making the best out of a crappy situation and I’d say we’re doing pretty good.
If anyone, and I mean ANYONE is feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or just feeling the need to talk it out with someone, please don’t be afraid to ask for help. I wasn’t too proud to ask for it, I just assumed that I was doing okay and that I didn’t need it. Once I started talking, I literally had word vomit and I couldn’t stop. It’s so freeing to finally be able to tell someone something that you have kept bottled up inside. So please, don’t be afraid to ask for help when help is needed!
As far as me, I am still a work in progress. I am changing around therapists now as I couldn’t stand the one I have. I do believe that sometimes it’s good to shop around for a therapist. You shouldn’t be afraid to do so. For me, it’s all about a comfort level. I have to click with you before I am able to tell you my deepest darkest secrets. I have had two in the past few months, both of which I didn’t click with. One focused too much on my marriage and making issues that weren’t there. And one focused too much on me emasculating my husband (YES, she said that). I am not looking for a miracle worker. I realize that their job is to help me sort through my problems. But the advice they were offering me was unrealistic for a wife taking care of her husband who has cancer. Her big advice was to go Target by myself. Yes, I am going to leave a seizure prone person in a room by himself so I can go get away for an hour?! Uh no. Her other advice was that my life revolves too much around his cancer. UH EXC– USE ME?! You don’t ever tell a mother that her life revolves too much around her child. You don’t ever tell a career woman that her life revolves too much around her career. But because my husband has cancer, and I am his main caregiver, it’s wrong that my life revolves too much around him? He is my life. He is my everything. So no, I don’t work. I don’t go out with friends. I don’t go shopping by myself. I can’t tell you guys the last time I got my hair cut. My nails are trashed and we won’t even go into shaving my legs. Yes, I have let myself go. Before anyone says it, yes I know I have to make time for myself. I have to put my needs in there too and I do. I am merely stating all of this to give everyone an idea. But spend a day in my life where I am constantly caring for another human being and you’ll see why. No, he’s not in a wheel chair and he doesn’t physically depend on me. But I try every day to make sure his days are easy and stress free. So what if my house isn’t clean, if the dishes aren’t done, and if I didn’t make it to Target by myself, well then that’s fine. Because I know my husband is happy, I am happy. And to me that is all that matters!