I Hope They Allow Crutches in Hell

Benjamin Rubenstein writes and speaks about health and faking adulthood. Connect with him on Twitter and Facebook. You can also follow his writing on cancerslayerblog.
Crutching is a great way to help injuries heal and bypass the lines at Disney World, and able-bodied individuals may treat crutchers with kindness.
If you use crutches and think people are nice to you only because they consider you weak, and you must prove your strength until your death by always taking the challenging path through life, then follow these steps.
On the Washington, D.C., Metro, people will ask, “Do you want my seat?”
Don’t let them snatch your completely irrational pride. You need to stand on one leg while holding crutches with one hand and the pole with the other as the train jerks and halts. There are several ways to respond to this offer:
The polite way: “No, thanks.”
The jerk way: “I’M NOT TAKING YOUR SEAT!”
The 16-year-old boy way: “I only sit for lap dances.”
When you reach the sidewalk you must speed-crutch so people think you’re crazy and intimidating instead of weak. Your loud crutch tips and long, quick, repetitive strides will make you sound like a galloping horse.
You will quickly pass pedestrians walking in the same direction, though they will hear your approach for hundreds of steps.
Here, you should politely say, “ON YOUR LEFT!” when you are 50 feet behind them, as a warning.
For individuals who are hard of hearing, you should scream directly into their left ears when you are next to them. Since you won’t know who is and isn’t impaired, do both every time.
When you speed-crutch toward a pedestrian walking in the opposite direction as you, you will approach her as if you are LeBron James and she is Mary-Kate Olsen guarding you one-on-one with seven seconds left in game 7 of the NBA Finals.
If nobody alters course then your momentum may kill the pedestrian. There are several ways you can prevent a catastrophe:
The polite way: Move.
The jerk way: Move and then stare her down. As you intersect, stop, pivot, and crutch backwards so you can continue glaring.
The 16-year-old boy way: Move and then politely say, “I LIKE YOUR TITS!”
When you flirt with a woman at the bar, she will wonder why you use crutches but she won’t ask outright.
Explain your crutches immediately or else she will think you’re weak and from the bottom of the gene pool.
You should lie. Say you suffered a broken tibia while successfully defending a stray Goldendoodle from a pack of coyotes while you were headed to defend your thesis for your doctorate in quantum physics. Drunks believe anything.
When coworkers ask why you take the stairs instead of the elevator, you should lie because that will be more acceptable than what you really think—that you are grateful for the physical abilities you have; that having to use crutches actually makes you stronger than everyone else.
Or, you can respond the 16-year-old boy way: “I don’t take elevators because I’ll lose mobile service . . . SNAPCHAT!”


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